Do you remember the first time that YOU decided you were not loveable? I have and once, I did, I found it very easy to re-frame and transform. Of course, there is the integrating and real life transitions to move through, but the awareness that I now have is the priceless gift and tool, that with presence and conscious choice, I will help me to de-frag and help me to re-format my own, personal hard drive for re-booting
My story began when I was six and I had a sex dream about my Dad. When I woke up, I was so shocked and appalled at the whole thing, and that I even knew about some of the acts I saw in the dream, that I judged myself very harshly… what sort of person would have a dream like that about their Father? I felt so disgusted and horrible about it and myself, that I stopped all the self-pleasuring I already enjoyed and have never had a sex dream since!
Now, never mind whether the dream was real or not, that is for another revelation (and I do not know at this point — it will come in time if necessary). The point is, in this moment, that even though I have told this story many times, and it has helped me in counseling others who have been activated sexually at early ages, I didn’t realize the true import of this event for me. It was only when it came up spontaneously while making love with my husband that the deeper impact became apparent. This was the first time that I REALLY decided that I was unloveable. No one laid this one on me. I did. Now, I am sure that the surrounding morays of the time certainly influenced my assessment, but the important piece here is that I made the decision that i was nasty, evil, etc. And that this belief then created layers of pain and self-loathing that I have been unraveling since my 20′s!
I spent my whole life attempting to “fix” the awfulness within me by:
Being the “best good girl” I could be;
Punishing myself by not thriving ;
Giving power and authority of myself over to others (who must know better than i);
And so on…
Sometimes I regret that I was not one of those who, instead of sublimation as the path I took, they stood up and fought. And yet, I can certainly appreciate the challenges that come with that choice as well. Perhaps mine was less bumpy and I am learning about honoring myself better, when I can meet these challenges from a more mature perspective. And, I realize now that there are other choices that are not quite as extreme and I am exploring those now — but this is for another discussion.
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It was my delight, with my Beloved’s loving attention, and my orgasmic journey to “see” this revelation for myself and glimpse all of it’s permutations, literally in an instant — my favorite way to learn! I could see in that moment, so many of the ways this decision of unlove-ability had impacted my subsequent experiences and choices. I could see how the pain of this personal rejection had also played out in my life for the positive, taking me on a journey to re-claim the beauty and power of my sexuality and make it okay again and teaching others how to do the same.
A lot of things happened around that same age and I remember another moment, when, being a very philosophical child, even then asking the deep questions and pondering the answers I received. I remember feeling that what my parents were wanting me to understand about living in this world, from their perspective just didn’t make sense. But they reminded me that they had been here longer and they knew the “ropes.” That did make sense, and so I remember the moment I decided to set my own, personal guidance system (connection to Source) aside so that I could learn about this very strange place I found myself in. I didn’t realize what I was giving up at the time.
Needles to say, by the time I reached adulthood, I realized that much of what they had assured me would work — didn’t. So, by my early 20′s, I had set about to reclaim my inner connection back. I am now in my 50′s and doing better all the time. And I guess this is part of that journey, too! This immersion in 3-D, did teach me the “ropes” in order that I could be accepted somewhat and function in this paradigm. Everything’s perfect, isn’t it?
For me, this most recent revelation, felt like a core, foundational awakening and shift, and I am so excited to experience what will come of it. For the first time since the age of six, my entire being has returned to self-love and appreciation, with no qualifications (yes, I realize that I may have a little work yet to fully reclaim this awareness, some old habits to correct, etc.)! I am now freeing myself of my own “fall from grace.” I can see now that I made that conscious choice clearly. And I can choose to return to the me that Knows All That I Am — connected to Love, God, Source, Wisdom…. and so on. It feels as if I have been trapped in a dark box, and the lid has been removed. There is so much light streaming into the former darkness, that I am literally overwhelmed as I adjust to this new state of seeing and being — free from all that has held me down!
I can see that when I labled myself as evil, which may of the religions encourage us to do, that is what separated me from my sense of connection with Source/God/Goddess. Could this be what the story of the Fall of Lucifer is really about?
Judgement like any other aspect of life is a double-edged sword. On the one side, it can be protective, when we notice something is not in alignment with us, but when we then lable it and make it wrong, somehow, we begin to create the process of separation. If everything is God, then everything is love. Just because something does not meet our desires and invocations, does not mean it is not perfect for someone else!
I am enjoying the process of stepping out of the habit of labeling and judgement where ever I can. I am now asking the question, “what is this?” and waiting for the answers to reveal themselves, rather than snapping to judgement and assessment. Now, I feel through it… What feels good… What doesn’t… And make my choices from there.
If any of what I am sharing rings in any way for you, I am grateful to be able to share. I am recording a process today to help you to find that moment where you decided that you are unloveable so that you too, can re-frame, re-write and reclaim your connection to yourself, to love and to Source. Watch for it. It will be released soon….. Freedom awaits those who are ready to claim it!
Copyright 2008 Helena, Love n’ LIfe Tools.
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