Does this sound familiar?   We don’t talk about sex. I think we have a good life. We love each other, enjoy our family, and talk about other issues; money, bills, kids, the holidays. You know all the things that come up in a long-term relationship. But we never really ever talked about sex.  It use to be good. We made love 2-3 times a week then after the kids were born it dropped off to 1or 2 times a week then sometimes we did not make love for weeks even months.  We were both tired, working, raising a family. We just let sex slip away.

But now I want it back.  I miss the intimacy and the lovemaking and I cannot tell you how long it has been since we made love.  Oh we hold hands, kiss each goodbye or goodnight but neither on of us even sleeps nude anymore.  I tried talking about having more sex but she says we are older now and it is not that important.  We both work full time and the kids are still a handful. 

It seems like our sex life just faded away and she does not seem to care.  I am starting to have erectile problems and you know what they say, “if you don’t use it you lose it”.  I don’t want to have an affair.  I have gotten a few massages with happy endings just to tie me over but that is pretty empty.  I want to have sex with the woman that I love. I want to be intimate with my wife. But she just doesn’t get it.  And I don’t get why sex is not as important to her as it is to me. 

Oh she says OK, but let’s not take too long. That’s like telling me to get it over with while she lies there and looks at the ceiling.  I would rather not have sex at all then to get my needs met without her passion and enjoyment.  Her pleasure is a big part of why I enjoy making love.  I do not need to get my rocks off like when I was a teen. I need loving intimate caring passion from the woman I love.

This is a very common story. I hear it more from male clients then females but it can be true for either one.  So what is the solution? All your conversations have gone on deaf ears.  

First, Schedule a time away from the house for an afternoon, preferable in Nature. Prime yourself to be strong. Think of yourself as a large oak tree and she is Mother Nature. She may try to blow you down but you are not going to budge. 

Second, Give her a gift to show her your love and appreciation for all she has done, raising the kids, loving you… etc.

Third, Tell her you need to have a very serious talk with her, make eye contact and reach out and touch her arm, or hold her hand.  Physical gentle touch is important to get her attention. 

Fourth, do not sugar coat what you have to say. Be direct, for Example, “I am very unhappy with the lack of intimacy, touching, lovemaking in our life. I cannot imagine going 40 more years this way let along 6 more months.  I am at a loss and we need to solve this together.  I do not want to get massages with happy endings; I do not want to have an affair. I want you in every way including sexual.  These were the marriage vows we took. And I want us to honor them.”

Fifth, how she responds will determine what happens next. You must create agreements with time frames so you can track if anything is changing or sliding back into the old non-sexual pattern.  What does she need, what do you need.  The more specific you are the better chance you have for positive results.

Sixth, think of your sex life like a business. If you do not schedule appointments you won’t close the deal.  Spontaneity takes place within the appointed time frames.

Seventh, if all this fails you need outside help from a sex counselor.  And she will be more apt to listen to a female counselor then a male.

There are 2 Bottom lines; One, do not accept a sexless marriage Two, if she refuses, then open the marriage up so you can get your needs met safely without lying and cheating. 

INA “ LAUGHING WINDS” MLEKUSH M.A. Psychology, Marriage Counselor, Sex Counselor; a.a.s.e.c.t. certified. American Association of Sexual Educators, Counselors and Therapist. Ina has been on HBO Real Sex in America, The Good Sex Guide Abroad U.K. and Sex TV Canada. She has a private practice working with individuals and couples male and female issues. Web Site  www.SpiritualSexuality.com

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