I was listening to a recording by my dear friend, Abraham, this afternoon and… well let me begin at the beginning.
It was the fourth day of my 24-hour a day gig and it was time to go home. To supplement my income, I am currently a caregiver for a dear couple that have also become my friends. I do enjoy my time with them very much, and they have been great teachers for me in that, not only are they very sweet and loving, and they are equally challenging. My relationship with them has been powerfully growth producing. No need to mention any details here, but suffice it to say that as much as I enjoy being of service to them and their company, by the end of my shift, I am usually powerfully ready to go back home.
Today was one such a day. The previous four days had been especially stressful, as I was helping my charges prepare to move from their home of 15 years to an assisted living retirement community. Not only does this current experience tickle my own pinfeathers as only three months ago, just before I started working for these people, I had gone through my own rather difficult move alsol. And on top of that, due to some construction going on in the unit behind us, I had been awakened at ungodly hours in the morning by hammering, drilling, and sounds of major destruction, subsequent to going to bed at equally ungodly hours. The intensity had been high, the action non-stop, and the sleep almost nonexistent. As I left their home that day to travel to mine own, I was literally shaking. My voice was shaking, my hands were shaking –everything was shaking. I was tired and spent.
As I drove away from their condo, I debated whether I would take myself straight home and to bed, hopefully to nap and catch up on some sleep for the afternoon, or do something otherwise soothing and nurturing for myself. I thought that perhaps I would call a friend who lives on that side of the hill and maybe have lunch. But as I ran down the list of people to visit, I realized in each case, I really wasn’t good company right now. I got that I needed less stimulation rather than more stimulation.
After driving down Sepulveda for a bit I found myself on Palm’s Boulevard. I’d been traveling that street quite a lot lately with my clients and decided it might be fun to follow that road to see if it went all the way down to the beach (I really didn’t know Santa Monica very well). I opened the windows of the car a good sized crack to let in the fresh air that I had been missing cooped up in a condo for the last four days. It was open just enough to let the fresh air in, but not to freeze my butt off.
It was a gloriously beautiful day. Even though there was a good chill in the air, the sun was bright and there were lots of clouds in the sky. I could see them being carried by the wind; something somewhat rare in LA. I eventually found my way down to Pacific Coast Highway. I was starting to feel the effects of the fresh air up lifting my spirits, but I had this heavy weight on my chest that just wouldn’t go away. Despite the beauty of the day, and a desire to uplift and nurture myself, I found my thoughts spiraling down in the most uncomfortable way. I knew better. Suddenly, I would catch myself in a loop of unhappy thoughts, and I would take a deep breath, and exhale, releasing some of the negative energy. I just wanted to relax, and let go and just be simply in the moment, enjoying what was around me, but I was having difficulty letting in enough to make the difference that my heart and soul craved.
As I drove up the coast, I looked for a likely place to eat. I wanted something very reasonably priced, yet quiet and elegant, with good food. None of the places I passed by seem to fit what I had pictured in my mind. I was getting hungrier and hungrier and I could see my mind was slipping into the abyss of negative thought. I knew that if I didn’t eat soon, it might only get worse.
Finally I spied Paradise Cove in the distance and I thought that might be a nice place. I’d really forgotten what the restaurant was like, but I drove down the driveway anyway. I knew the restaurant was on the beach. I could see the waves I wanted to see. There was sand. It had great food, though not quite as quiet and elegant as I had hoped.
As I looked at the menu, there was plenty of good food on it. The prices were a little steep, but not outlandish. I looked and looked at the menu and nothing really stood out that appealed to me. I was feeling kind of gray inside, neutral, almost dead. It was the strangest feeling. I decided finally on a cup of clam chowder to assuage my hunger — kind of a noncommittal food really, I thought. It was very creamy and seemed to just hit the spot and there wasn’t too much of it either. But I wanted something else and finally the fish tacos stood out for me. The waiter was kind enough to bring me just one of them to eat and had packed up the rest, as I knew I couldn’t eat more. I decided to order a bloody Mary to help me relax some more; very uncharacteristic of me. When it came time to sign the check, I was shocked at how much it was – at least for me alone! Again, it was not too outlandish, but enough to make me just a bit uncomfortable. I noticed the negative feeling I was having about it, and reminded myself that it was okay to give myself gifts of such things now and then.
After having eaten, I looked out and thought I might enjoy sitting in one of the lounge chairs in front of the restaurant. It might be a little warmer by now and I had the forethought to bring my sweater. Just as I thought about asking for my check, I saw a man walk across my line of vision. He looked an awful lot like George Lucas. I became a little excited fantasizing that I was hobnobbing in this restaurant with many other creative people who are tops in their field. I luxuriated in these fantasies for a few minutes, surrounded by beautiful and powerful people as I waited to take care of my check. I even gave the waiter a little extra on the tip. That felt even more opulent.
I took my tea out to the lounge area in front of the restaurant and sat down making myself comfortable. A really big fat seagull walked right up to next to where I was and jumped on a rock quite close to me and squawked a couple of times as if in greeting. He made me smile and feel welcome as if inviting me to some sort of kinship with him. As I settled into the chair, I began to watch my breathing and relax and let go… a bit. And yet even with the waves and the sand and the sun; even with the breeze and the birds, I still was feeling an internal edginess that I wanted so much to let go.
After awhile, I found myself focusing on the horizon. And as I looked, it seemed that at the very edge there appeared to be a large swell. I looked and looked and looked again. Was it an optical illusion? Suddenly, the flock of birds that had been basking on the sand and in the water in a large herd, started to squawk and take flight. Perhaps they too were sensing something here. Could that be a tsunami in the distance? There had been warnings with the recent earthquakes lately. I watched it and watched. I wasn’t sure. But once I saw that, I developed such a level of disquiet that I decided to leave.
When I got to my car I decided that I would put on a recording of my dear friend Abraham as I mentioned before to help me shift my mood.
In combination with my own residence move, I had also recently experienced some profound challenges in quite a few other areas of my life. I feel so much gratitude that I have had this care-giving job for so many reasons. And while it is challenging and very demanding, in addition, I am learning much about love and commitment and mutual support from these two beautiful beings that I am serving. I am learning about patience finance, economics, politics, and history from him. In learning about unconditional love, compassion, and personal strength from her. I am learning about not taking things personally, entertaining, gourmet cooking and serving, and community service from their daughter. I am so busy I don’t have the time to even think about my own worries. I feel loved, appreciated, and accepted, for the most part. And I don’t have the luxury of time to indulge in my usual mental BS as I am walking through this leg of my journey. I’m getting to see a side of me that is stronger, more clear, new and improved, and quite magnificent, if I do say so myself.
I put Abraham on because these recordings help to remind me of the truth of who I am, what I want, and reminders of how to get there through disciplining my thoughts, getting in touch with my body, and the NOW moment. As I wound my way back to PCH, I figured I could go up Kanan Road to get back home. But Abraham was so brilliant on this recording! Just a few miles down the road I had to pull over to write down the flood of enlightenment and brilliance that was overflowing in my brain! This was all stuff I already knew, but now, I was getting it on such a new, profound, and exciting level!
I already teach the art of manifestation, and I’m pretty good at it in many respects. There are also a few areas where there is a glaring need for improvement. I was filled with gratitude and joy as I listened to words I had heard so many times before, yet just then, they rang with new insights on levels that revealed depths of understanding that thrilled me! Abraham said something to the effect of “What is it that you want to experience? In any moment that you find yourself in, what do you want to see? Look for it! Make a concerted effort to look for things that you can appreciate – things that make you feel good. Search for them. Intend to look for what you want to see! Keep looking!”
I pondered that. And soon another great light lit up inside me. I remembered a time in a past Shamanic journey that I had been in such a state that I could talk to the clouds and the shadows and the winds. It was a sacred moment that touched my soul. I loved feeling connected with all the myriad consciousnesses of my surroundings in that state of awareness. I wanted that experience again! Could I do that now? This would be something fun to look for!
I found my gaze captured by the clouds rolling by above. Their movement was almost imperceptible. Yet, as I watched them and stayed present, I could see myriads of images forming and dissolving before my eyes. My imagination found the most outrageous, ridiculous, silly and fun images in the clouds. Oh, how I wished I could draw them and relay them and share them as I saw them. They were so amazing and outlandish!
An idea occurred to me to breathe and find the rhythm of the clouds movement and relax into their pace. And so I did. I breathed and watched the clouds. I could feel their rhythm so very slow, smooth and deliberate. With some effort, I was able to begin to let go a bit, even though initially, my heart was beating so fast. I stayed with them, felt the breeze, and their movement, and eventually, was able to slow myself down. I remembered again, what a powerful gift nature has for helping me to remember my connection with the All and the Everything. I was filled with gratitude. I wondered if could I talk to these clouds again now? Almost immediately, I heard this voice. Actually, it was numerous voices, too numerous to count, all in unison, saying “yes we’re here. You can talk to us.” The sound reminded me of Alvin and the chipmunks a bit.
I had to laugh. The skeptical part of me, of course, questioned this immediately. Could I be making this up? Is this a figment of my imagination? Is there any basis in reality to believe that I’m actually hearing what I’m hearing? Then I thought, “It doesn’t matter.” I decided to just give myself permission to enjoy this interaction, for whatever it was.
When I spoke to the clouds, they told me that they were so happy that I had tuned in to them and they loved the ability to interact with humans in this way! I wondered why there were so many voices? The answer came back was that they “were each droplets of water coalescing in one consciousness in the form of cloud water vapor so that we can dance and float in the sky.” I wished I could join them in some way up there! I had always had fantasies of riding the clouds in the sky — wanting to merge with them in some way, like riding a magick carpet! They reminded me that they did do that with me often. They loved to merge with me as they caress my body when I immerse with them in the form of water in the ocean, or my bath, or hot tub. This is a way we do intimately interact and enjoy one another. They reminded me how I loved it when they were warm and my muscles could be soothed and relaxed when I bathe. They reminded me of how, in the form of steam, thy soothe me on the inside as well as outside. We played a bit in my mind with all the ways that water has personality and how it interacts with humans. I decided I would write poem about that later, if I could.
And as I continued to watch them above, it seemed as though the images that were forming before my eyes became even more fun and more imaginative and creative, almost seeming like they were dancing was for me! “How egotistical,” I thought. But then I considered that I would do the same for the clouds, if that were a gift I could give. And so, I just allowed myself to enjoy what felt and seemed like a gift, as if it were one. There was a stiff breeze blowing and the clouds were morphing by the moment. It almost seemed that when I placed my attention on them with my imaginings, they seem to move in response! Whither fantasy or no, I so enjoyed the feeling of connection that I was having and I felt somehow validated in allowing myself to play this lovely game.
Then I allowed myself to close my eyes to see if I could meditate and relax even further, though at the same time, feeling the pull of the road a bit. I decided that I could give myself 10 minutes, but when I closed my eyes, I found some of those yucky thoughts floating back into my awareness. I decided that I was doing better with my eyes open, rather than closed right now.
I decided to take advantage of the moment and also talked to the trees, the rocks, and the sun, as well. They all seemed to respond and so joyfully! I remembered every time I have done this, they are always so pleased to connect. And I recalled talking to the shadows in my room as a child. I felt so connected with everything in a way that I had not been able to feel in quite a while! I was able to let go a bit more.
Finally, the pull of the journey won out and I turned Abraham back on and drove on down the street. But as I continued on, so much more brilliance was downloading that I had to pull over again after just another mile or two.
As I stopped the car, I became acutely aware that I had just created an experience that I wanted by taking the time to look for what I wanted. It was a dance between knowing what I wanted to experience and looking for things to appreciate, and finding beyond that more of what I wanted to see; which led to a delightful experience, which just happened to be the one I had intended! It was a truly powerful teaching moment for me. This was an inspirational download of mass proportions, that I am still integrating it all even as I write this.
As I allowed myself to once again bask in this new, beautiful, magickal connection with All That Is, I recalled the knowing that I am an expression of that Spark of the Divine that flows through me. I began to feel a renewed sense of aliveness, passion and joy within – allowing that greatness to flow in and through me – to fill me! I claimed that feeling of the magnificence of All That Is shining brightly, radiating from within to without, exuding though through every pore, emanating into my auric field. And I remembered how I love that feeling!
I haven’t allowed myself that feeling much lately. From Abraham’s words, it brought to my mind that I have been wrestling with an issue that has thus far eluded transformation. I have been so frustrated about it. But though I have prayed and worked on it, somehow I had been unable to move through it. It is one that I am sure that many of us can relate to. How many of you have noticed that in the innocent enjoyment of some delightful new experience, that it isn’t always as enjoyable for others?
For instance, my friend Lynn tells a story about when she was a little girl. Her next door neighbor had planted some beautiful yellow flowers in the front yard and she became fascinated with them. One day while gazing at these new flowers, she became very curious as to what was underneath. And so her chubby little hand reached out and pulled one of them up. She was so amazed at the network of the roots! She’s never seen anything like that before! She wanted to see more of them. Were they the same or different? And of course, each one was a little different, so she had to look at all of them!
Needless to say, when the neighbor complained to her mother about the uprooting of her beautiful flowers, neither one of them could quite understand it from Lynne’s point of view. They were both appalled and Lynn was roundly punished! This was her first remembered experience where her joy and wonder resulted in punishment.
In recent years, I remember being with friends and performing on a drum with abandon and complete joy. The comment of someone nearby was that I was showing off.
Of course I have had other experiences where a powerfully joyous experience was followed with an abrupt and painful reaction, and seen it happen with others as well – with family, friends, and in interactions with my lovers. I had one lover who would get very jealous when I would have a really good time that he wasn’t involved in, and as a result, he would pick fights that I never really quite understood the reason for, until he was able to explain it later.
Then there have been times when I’ve been relatively free of the specter of joy versus punishment. Unfortunately the last number of years, this issue has been in my face big time! So much so, that I found myself literally minimizing how much pleasure I allowed myself to feel in order to avoid the pain that is sure to follow.
As I listened to my recording of Abraham on the subject, integrating my cloud experience, I realized something very important. I realized that oftentimes when I feel blissful and joyful; when I feel open and playful; when I feel full of myself and really let it run; I find that there are many people around me who react very negatively. I even had momentary flashbacks of a few instances just then. The mirrors were various facets of reactivity for a myriad of different reasons. A part of me wanted to write it off as “their problem.” Part of me looked to see if there was a piece to be seen on my end of the equation. (When I reflect on such things, I like to try to break it down to the most basic level possible. I find it tends to make even the most complex idea simple and easier to work with.) As I looked even deeper, what I saw was that when in these states of bliss, what I feared and what was mirrored from them was that there was a loss of connection between us. Their reactions reflected that loss of connection!
In taking the issue down to basics, I realized that when baby comes to the planet they are in that blissful state . Children live that blissful state. Sometimes they give very wound up in that blissful state, even overwhelmed, and parents find they need to calm the children down. Some parents have the patience to do so in a loving way. Many do not and it can sound like anger and frustration. There may be a lack of connection and understanding about what is really happening with their child. They just find it uncomfortable. In their irritation and reactivity to the child’s behavior, the parent gives the idea to the child that there’s something wrong with them –that they are bad — that this blissful state is not to be trusted – punishment may ensue!
Therefore, what I learned is that the loss of connection is the problem. And the process of integration that needs to happen is that I need to learn how to more effectively ground this blissful state in my body in the physical — in such a way that works, so that I can maintain my connection with others and the third dimension. I had noticed that sometimes when in these blissful states, I am not as aware of others feelings, considerations, and sensitivities, and I get called on it in various ways. When that happens, I tend to lose confidence and trust in that state of bliss for navigating in the physical emotional and relational realms.
Then I reminded myself that we are spirit coming into the physical body. We are that essence of a divine love — all learning how to be in the physical. I have had some experiences in the past with extreme blissful states. In India, they call it Samadhi. When in such a state, I experienced my consciousness as totally beyond and out of my body. It was a place where I actually felt quite comfortable. I realized that, in fact, my awareness was more often out there than here (focused in and through my body). I remembered that when in that expanded state of consciousness, if I wanted to refocus through my body, that I had to work very consciously at something that felt like a densifying process to “fit” my consciousness back into my body and it took quite some time and was a lot of work!
I realized that one of the roles of humans is to consciously, with consciousness, more fully bring that divine spirit into the density of the physical. There is a vibrational adjustment that integrates the qualities of the physical with our spiritual nature. It is the process of enlightenment. And I came to understand that I had experienced those painful reactions to that process in order that I may learn how to better integrate my spiritual nature more fully into the physical — to better ground this blissful energy on this planet — attuning with merging, with uplifting and integrating with the density that is here.
That issue, this pattern that I learned from my family and from my environment, had a different purpose than I had originally thought! I realized that I could set an intention for this balancing and grounding process that would work — instead of how I had been fighting with being in the polarity of it.
I decided that I could walk my path with a new intention… “I intend to allow myself to enjoy the fullness of my bliss and the magnificence of my being as a part of God/Goddess. I now claim it’s full expansion and creative expression, while at the same time I am discovering and remembering how to ground it and maintain my connection with and sensitivity to others as I dance with the nature of the physical and my fellow beings in the process.” So I’m intending to see how I can better foster and maintain that sensitivity in connection with others as I also allow the full experience of my bliss. Hopefully as I get better at this, that strong reactivity from others will dissolve as well.
As I was able to grok all this further, I remembered a dear friend that I had commiserated with on this issue, for she had a similar one. I had to call her to tell her what I had just discovered! Although I had furiously written down these brilliant ideas as they had come racing through my mind, I felt I needed to speak them to someone that would understand and appreciate them, and that could mirror them back to me in future times as we supported one another on this.
So I did call her and related all this. As I shared with her this new level of understanding, I found my whole being welling up with gratitude and joy and tears came streaming down my cheeks as sobs escaped from my body. In that moment, I was able to see clearly how I had put a lid on my joy, so afraid of the repercussions I had experienced in the past; believing that it was not safe. Now that I had realized what was really going on and set a new intention, I knew and I could take that lid off. I knew there was nothing more important than claiming and allowing that joy filled being to thrive more of the time for my soul, for my happiness, for my fulfillment, for my destiny! And so my friend and I did little ceremony together releasing that energetic of that old lid — taking the top off! For the first time I truly knew that I didn’t have to bridal my joy and pleasure in living any more! I could live and be that bliss and find a way to stay connected with others in my life in the process.
I realized that I had been attempting to assert the joyful life that I craved in opposition to the painful, opposite reaction that I feared. This was what was causing the negative reactions that I was getting, in addition to the lessons on grounding balancing in integrating. Now that I understand that this balancing, merging, grounding and integrating is a part of the process, I can embrace that process, seek that understanding, and follow the solutions that will maintain the quality of connection that I also crave with the physical in third and fourth dimensions.
This is a whole new layer for me on stuff I’ve been living and teaching for years. I am so grateful for this understanding and I hope and pray that what I’ve learned today and shared here may help others in their own journey on the path of creating Heaven on Earth– and so it is.
Copyright March 2010 by Helena & SHAMANESQUE ENTERPRISES
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